Tuesday, April 6, 2010

a horse's rear end

If you have kids, they will embarrass you at least once in their life, if not several times. But yesterday I had a little revenge.

I started with the five-year-old boy next door who comes over whenever he perceives movement of any kind at our house. Landon looks in our windows, rings our doorbell, comes into our garage, and "invites himself" into any activity our kids are engaged in, be it riding bikes or playing basketball or even football in the street. Whenever we pull into our driveway, he appears and asks 10 or so questions before we can even get into the house. Of course, his parents are no where to be found.

Now, our kids are older...11,13 and 16 and although my son tried to be patient and the girls would play with him sometimes, they would often ask him nicely to let them play their games in peace. Soon he started to ignore their requests so they became more "stern", and when that stopped working, they even got a trifle mean. But even that didn't seem to deter Landon and my husband said that under no circumstance were they allowed to be unkind, and that if Landon continued to jump in on their activities, he would take care of it.

So it came to be that my son and his friends were occupied with a game of "HORSE" in our driveway and Landon came over and started shooting his own basketball randomly in the middle of their game. Maybe he thought he was 16 or 17, instead of 5, I don't know. I was in the kitchen, and my daughter and my son would alternate, coming to complain every ten minutes or so, saying they had asked him to leave, but he wouldn't.

Well, my husband was upstairs, so I did what any conscientious mom would do...I nodded and shrugged until they went away, hoping the problem would resolve itself. Until my son came in for the third time begging one of us to get Landon to leave. By this time my husband was in the shower. No help there. Then my son said the clincher, "I don't know why, but Landon grabbed my butt." Now of course, he knew as well as I did that a five year old grabbing a sixteen year old's nether regions is just not that big of a deal. But he was obviously desperate to get me involved, having his hands tied, as it were. So I reluctantly came out on the front porch. Several faces turned to look at me...my daughters', my son's friends, and Landon's. I hesitated, unsure of what to say, but everyone was looking. I heard my son come out behind me. And that's when it happened.

"Landon, did you touch William's rear end?" I asked loudly.

Everyone's faces registered shock and disbelief. Then there was total silence.

I felt my face grow hot. Questions raced through my mind. Had I just referred to my 16 year old's son rear end in front of all of his friends? I don't even call it a rear end at home...what sort of a dork calls it that? I mean, where did that come from? And how could I get away with some semblance of dignity left? Would I forever be dubbed "That crazy lady?" And how was William going to ever live it down?

Then Wil's best friend collapsed on the grass and literally started rolling around, his hands on his stomach and tears in his eyes. Between wails of laughter, he sputtered, "You just made my day!"

That broke the ice and I started laughing too. William said, "Yeah, I've been harassed by a five year old and I need my mom to fight for me." My daughters started squealing too, and soon everyone was cracking up.

Meanwhile, Landon stood frozen on the driveway. I looked at him and said kindly, "I think it's time for you to go home, honey." He put down the basketball and scampered off.

Now why couldn't I have said that in the first place?


:)De said...

Welcome back. Very funny story. You'll have to tell us how long it takes for Landon to come back.


Toni said...

I'm laughing sooo hard at this post (btw, welcome back to blogging. I've missed your stories.) Wil's friend's reaction had me laughing hysterically right along with him. We had a "rear end" story (of sorts) here today too. I hope to blog it when I get a chance (sheesh, my thoughts are random here.) My airline friend had a "Landon" next to her, also age 5. She said he would sneak up and scare the jeebies out of her with his shrill voice, wire-rimmed glasses and resulting bug eyes. Once, she was weeding along her hedges when they abruptly parted and there he was, inquiring, "D'ya like frogs?" as he held a slimy critter in his hand. It sent her away screeching. LOL! Gotta LOVE the Landons of the world.

Monica said...

Oh, how I've missed your stories:)

We have a Landon in on our street, too. Today she put her foot in the door when I tried to shut it and insisted that I bring out the Princess dress ups. *sigh*

Sherie said...

That was hilarious, Andrea! I have been dubbed "old lady Bennett" by some neighbors so I'm right there with ya! But, I have to admit, I have never said anything loudly about my kids' butts to the neighbors! :)

Toni said...

I just read your post to Carl. Giggles are rising from the man-chair. :D